Acne. Just The word makes my eyes water and heart ache.

The lights in my room are at a permanent dim that will never make me face the hideous bumps that cover my cheeks.

The alarm clock goes off and I reach for my phones camera, hoping that today will be the day I can love myself. But not quite, the sunrise  greets me with 3 more white heads and a painful cyst arising. I hold back tears and run for the bathroom but turn off every light before looking in the mirror. Because facing the reality of it is just more than I can handle. So like usual, I brush my teeth with my back to the mirror to avoid my reflection.

I immediately apply another pointless face mask; only to have the courage of facing my family for the day without feeling insecure.

My boyfriend calls and asks if I want to go get breakfast.

I make up a lie that I have a lost of chores to do just to avoid putting on a thick layer of makeup, hoping that going just a few hours extra with no makeup will cure me miraculously like some clear skinned people like to say. And in hopes to avoid any temptation of a delicious food that be to blame for another breakout.

At the beginning, I thought it was just a phase, it wouldn’t last long and it’s just a few pimples.

As it got worse, it was uncontrollable. Each pimple seemed to last forever and with every scar it took a piece of my confidence until I was left with none at all.

You research how to get rid of it so much that you begin to drive yourself crazy and lose hours of sleep at night.

The guilt comes along for everyone that you have exposed your depression to because they have to listen to your crying as you get ready for bed.

But no one quite understands how hard it is because it’s just looks after all.

Looks aren’t what matter. But that’s easy to say when you don’t have to hide behind a thick layer of makeup everyday that only exaggerates each little bump.

You avoid looking, or even talking to the people that mean so much to you. All of the relationships in your life change, because you can barely have a conversation and you wouldn’t dare to go to that swim party or spend the night at a friends house.

I’ve tried a lot to clear my skin! And I get so much hope with every new “cure” I find…only to be left even more hurt when they don’t work.

  • Dairy free, gluten free, sugar free, corn free, nut free, bean free, rice free
  • Detox Celery juicing
  • Apple cider vinegar cleanse
  • Manuka honey
  • Changing pillowcases
  • Not wearing makeup
  • Oil cleanse
  • Essential oils
  • Derma rolling
  • Caveman regimen
  • Probiotics
  • Clean and chemical free
  • Going to a esthetician
  • Dermalogica
    (And many more)

I am healing, slowly. And no, I don’t mean my skin. I mean my heart. But that is the first step I believe.

There are bad days where I tell myself this is just my life and I will never get to spend the night with a friend ever again, get used to it.
eat that snow cone, what is there to lose? Just look at yourself.

And there are the days where I  realize how precious this life is. And while I am worrying about spots on my skin, I am missing out on every beautiful thing this world offers.

We were put on this earth for a reason and I will not let my acne keep me from those reasons.

Instead, I will use my battles and think of them as a superpower.

My acne has taught me that everyone has a battle that you may know nothing about, so do not judge them for the person they portray to be…because an inner battle may make someone become something they never imagined they would be.

My acne story is one of my biggest secrets, but one day when my battle is over I will be a shelter for other people who can’t face the reflection in the mirror.

So for now, I will find Joy… because I do have control over one thing, my happiness.

Remember how far you’ve come, not just how far you have to go, You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be.